I Got Them Seasonal Retail Blues, or, Things I Learned from Being Employed Seasonally at a Large Retail Chain:

1.       Firstly, something I knew but forgot: “Flexible schedules” means flexible for your employer, not necessarily for you.  While they didn’t make me work on nights when I said I could not, they scheduled me to close pretty much every time I worked.

2.       If you’re scheduled to close, you will do exactly that, and work till the manager says that everyone can go home.

3.       If you’re not scheduled to close, think nothing of waltzing out at the end of your shift with a smile on your face.  The rest of the team will try not to hate you.

4.       Shoppers are PIGS.  They will dump anything and everything in a fitting room with no thought to who might have to clean it up and put it away later.  I once found not only many bras, but also several shirts and sweaters (3-4 of each) and SIX pairs of the exact same style/color/size of jeans, all in ONE fitting room.

5.       A busy Saturday means the store looks like it was hit by a tornado, or a bomb.

6.       Bras are maybe the most difficult item to re-hang, and hang straight.  Panties, even giant granny panties, are a close second.  We won't even discuss thongs.

7.       There are many worse things than having to listen to Michael Buble’ singing Christmas music…like Josh Groban, opera, Gregorian chants and most modern country music.

8.       Many terrifying and unnecessary holiday recordings exist, including, but not limited to, selections like: “Christmas in Jamaica” (featuring Shaggy); Brenda Lee’s version of “Marshmallow World”; and too many versions of “Jingle Bell Rock” to count.  (I am thankful that I was spared having to listen to any holiday recordings by Jimmy Buffet.)

9.       There exists a mash-up of Peggy Lee’s recording of “Fever” and Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger.”  NOT EVEN KIDDING.  I may never be the same.

10.   I am too old for this shit.  So long, Sammy, see ya in Miami!